Life
by Kevin
My Journey
I,m 36 , married two little girls ( not so little now but will always be dads little girls i guess ) . Only child
*** in my story my brothers and sisters are in fact my cousins , i was a only child .
My childhood was i guess you could say a bit different . My real mother died at 24 from acute pancreatitis after being sent home as doctors would not operate on her because she was so large . My life before this i don't know much about but from what i do know i was not well looked after . My real father who has something wrong with him ( unable to think ahead in time ) was to useless to look after me so i was shipped off to my uncle ( dads brother ) and aunt.I was cared for there but that was about it . I was never ill treated but it was not your normal house , there was no love . They had four others children of there own and thinking back now i think i was never wanted , i think that they felt pissed off that they had to raise another child when theirs were getting older and starting to leave home . I feel now that i was never wanted by them and just a burden . Growing up i was always different , i guess it came from them as i was not like other children , i wasn't aloud the freedom to grow others were and also didn't have the toys they had so never really fit in .
My real father was still in my life part time but it was nothing but a disappointment , this man also molestered me when i was about 8 or 9 . This was never spoken about even though my brother knew . This later came out when i was moody and 16 my brother in law asked and i told him . I had never spoken about it before , this ended up in the polices hands but nothing went further . I was later informed that the only reason i had told about it was because i was after money . This is how my family works twisted at its best .
My foster father was a Ahole ( sorry but thats the truth ) , he didn't beat me ( well nothing bad just the odd belt here and their ). He was a very hard man and i was emotionally abused allot and told that i would end up like my real father and amount to nothing . I was also forced to work every weekend . I fought with this man i guess everyday and have very few nice memories of him . But believe it or not i am very gratefully towards him and if it was for him i would not be what i am .
I have always been different , i don't know why . I truly believe i have been placed here to do something . I have never thought inside the box , i have never cared what people think of me . I don't know why but what ever this man said to me i use in the best way i could .
Ok onto the rest of my life for now. I have always been smart , but its a different smart . I cant spell . I think i have dyslexia but have never looked into it . I am more a mechanically smart and my thinking is along logic . When i was at high school i was well ahead of my class in many things. I believe i could have gone on to do anything i wanted but because of this man i couldn't . When i was 14 and getting to leaving school age i got a part time job . One day i came home and my foster father said i could leave school and if i had a job i can pay rent . Well that was the finally straw i cracked , i told him in no uncertain terms that i was not going to pay rent to live in his house and he could go to buggery . I left shortly after . Move in with my sister and got a full time job . I never spoke much to him after that .
I lived with my sister for a year but went on a holiday to visit my father , well that holiday changed my life . I stayed with `my real father , his new wife and their family . It was then that i learned that my family was not normal, that the people i had been around all my life were the odd one out . I returned home elated , i decided that i would be moving up there and i did . I moved in with my father and his new wife . Well that didn't last before he done a runner again , leaving me there alone . I was sixteen with nowhere to go and alone . So i got a job , i set myself up in a caravan park and raised myself from then on . I guess this was the time i stopped placing my life in other peoples hands .
After some problems with my boss , i left and got into fruit picking , i liked this and spent ten years doing it .
When i was 21 i got a virus , i don't know what sort of virus but i was sick for about 3 years . Something along the lines of CFS PVFS . In this time i went to 19 doctors and all but two told me i was depressed and many of them blamed it on my foster father dyeing . If only they knew the truth but then they never listened long enough to hear that .I was depressed because i was sick . When your ill you get depressed . In the end i got better by working on myself , by reading cases of people that had got over it .
Fruit picking ended for me when i got a hand injury , i was operated on by another of those doctors , one that said that i had to have this operation . I trusted this man. Well he had only ever seen one other case in 20 years and must have decided when he did the operation that he would take a snip and send it off to see what the problem was . Well i later found out what the problem was , i needed to rest my hands as the muscles had become to large . But because of this little snip i lost about 50% of the strength in my hand so that was the end of my fruit picking and the long trip around Australia that i had just spent 12 months building our bus for .
Anyway such is life
Ok now onto just before my crash .
We were in huge debt , i was fighting every day to keep up with things . I was eating less and less ,smoking heaps working long days . I had no me time , i had forgotten what it was like to do something for me . I was sick , i started getting migraines again everyday , i had the flu 3 times in three months . My wife took the girls and left ( long story , longer than above =) )
MY CRASH
Sorry about the length of above but it works into my crash in a different way than you may think .
One day i was in the post office and bent down , when i came up again i lost my eye sight , very strange . But i just let it go .I also started to shake , i would shake so much i couldn't stop .I went to the doctor , he thought i may have a tumor on my kidney so i was tested for that but in the mean time me and my logical brain decided to Google . The next week i was going on a trip with a mate when out of nowhere i started to feel weird , my chest started to buzz and race . I thought i was a gonna . I though i was having a heart attack for sure . from this moment on i was on a down hill race . From that moment on the fear started , i was so scared but why , what had changed ? I stated to fear one of these turns . The strangest thing was i knew it was panic , but i couldn't stop my thinking once it started .
I went back to the doctor and he said i had anxiety , but that was it nothing else , just take these pills and rest . Well i did that but it got worst . In fact it got that bad i could handle living alone . This strange as i had always lived alone , in fact you could call me a loner . I like to be alone. I finally cracked . I knew what had caused this and went to my bank to talk to them about fixing it . Well what a joke i wanted to stop paying $1000 a week in repayments and refinance so i would only be paying $400 . You know what they said You cant , you are not earning enough . =0 well thats strange i have been paying $1000 a week for two years . I went home sat and thought its me or them , i spoke to my wife and said i cant do this anymore . We went back to the bank and gave them the keys to our house and said its your problem . We went bankrupt . This nearly killed me , i had spent 20 years working my butt of to get were i was with no help from anyone and now i just lost it all . Not only that i felt like i had failed my family . All this time the shakes and turns are getting worst , everyday , sometimes every 2 hours . What is going on with me . I called mental health and see a lady she confirms i have anxiety and tells me to breath . Doh i think im doing that . I leave her office shaking my head .
I now back living with my wife and girls , i have gone from a 6 foot 2 man , strong and pig headed to a shaking mess. No body understands around me how i feel. Bloody doctors that are meant to be helping me are no help , in fact they are stressing me even more. I take my benzos everyday but they are not working , i am getting worst . I can almost predict when i will get a attack . I am on the phone many days to my wife at work to come home because i cant cope , i am not eating , not sleeping and when i do i have shocking nightmares . What is going on with me ? I'm starting to get OCD . I'm starting to get scared to leave the house . I cant drive when i do .Everything is freaking me out .
Well then it hits me , its these bloody tablets that are doing this .I tell my doctors and mental health worker and they just look at me like i am mad and tell me no thats not right . I decide to stop these tablets and reduce the dose , i have done my research and no what they are doing to me but no one will believe me . I cut 1/4 of a tablet and end up spewing and on the floor crying for two days , only to have a good day and then it starts again . Well i have had enough of this by now and gone to see my mental health worker , i told her that if she wants me gone then she needs to get me help . I feel sorry for this lady , this great big man standing in fount of her with a look of horror in his eyes . Well it must have worked . next day i saw another doctor , I explained to him that the tablets are doing this , that they are two short half life and i am addicted to them and every time they get low they send me into a panic . He agrees , changes to ones i asked him for and i leave . 10 minutes , that ten minutes is the most important in my life . If it was not for this Doctor listening to me for ten minutes i have no doubt i would not be here now , I would have ended it all . Thats how bad it was . Within two weeks i was off benzos and will never go on them again , yes i might think about taking one again but i doubt it